bex_lovees_u

I think.

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 22:51:44 GMT

I'm going to stop writing in here.
Simply because it seems as though everyone has abandoned it,
but then i have the problem of brian reading it and my mom has been wanting to know what's going on in my head and says she's going to come read this because she found out i have one and i refuse to see a doctor about being depressed and all this shit.
i don't know.
it's really stupid.
anyway.
i thought i'd let you know.

bye.

now, now darling, don't lose your head.

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 00:04:19 GMT

i'm afraid.
i need to get out,
i need to stay in.
i need to live.
i need to make people understand that i need to do things the way i need to do them.
i need to just be over all of this.
goddamn.

It's the worst time of the year.

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 19:30:19 GMT

I hate this time of the year.
While most people can't wait for it,
I loathe it.
I hope it ends soon.
I can't stand all this.

i wish it were over.

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 16:08:56 GMT

nothing seems to fit.
i'm so scared.
i don't know what is going to happen.
5 years from now, where am i going to be?
will any of this have mattered?
will i talk to any of you?
will i be happy?
will i be over all of this?
i'm just so scared.
i want time to stop so i can get everything together,
i need to figure it out.
but it won't stop.
it slows down just enough that i don't do what i need to until it's too late.
this makes no sense and i can't breathe.
i'm just going to go back to reading.
try to put things together.
just live how they tell me to until i'm out on my own.
i'm determined not to stay home.
i want to be alive.

"It wasn't only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and misunderstanding; above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that other people are as real as you."

do you have these thoughts?
why can you keep them inside while i must say something, feeling all alone?

but do you really feel alive without me?

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 03:16:08 GMT

so i haven't posted in a while.
that last thing was from megan.
haha.

life is just strange lately.
i'm trying to just live.
stay out of relationships for a while.
i'm not ready to care again.
so i'm just working on that.
i've been making so many changes lately.
i no longer want to be a tour manager.
it scares the shit out of me.
but i just no longer lust for that constant moving around.
that other girl in me has been coming out lately.
i want to settle down,
get married one day,
have kids,
all that jazz.
i'm not sure how this change came about,
but i'm just going to go with it.
take each day as it comes.
and one day i'll be out.

"i wish i was special."

goodnight.

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 22:43:10 GMT

becksh

=

boobah of the world

it's a nice day to start again.

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 01:09:31 GMT

so.
i feel like i haven't written in forever.
so quick update of last week and this one.

on the 17th, i ended things with lee.
like really ended them,
i went to his house and told him i couldn't do it anymore.
i haven't talked to him since the 22nd.
at all,
it's good.
still hurts, but it's healing quickly.

i've started talking to this guy named chad.
he seems pretty cool.
i'm not sure where it's going though.
like what he wants out of it.
but right now we are friends,
we talk daily,
and it's nice.

i'm also not going to do anything sexual for a least a month.
starting from the night i broke up with lee.
so i have 21 more days.
chloe, i can make it.
shut up.
maybe.
gah.

i'm doing really bad in school.
and it's not even because i'm lazy.
not most of it anyway.
it's from missing so much.
it got me way behind.
but next quarter should be fine.
i'm not going to miss anymore school, no matter what.
so it's all good, i should have at least all As and Bs next time.

next week is the birthday party chloe and demi have been planning for me.
i'm excited.
and nervous.
haha.
i don't know why i'm nervous.
but it's going to be so much fun!
and joe and jeremy are coming up.
it'll be great.

but yea.
that's really all that's going on.
my life isn't very eventful.
haha.

32 Ways to Make Me Smile.

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 02:43:08 GMT

Life is just going very confusingly lately.
I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually though,
I don't have a choice.

So I promised Joe I would make a list of 32 Ways to Make Me Smile, after the BG song, 32 Ways to Make You Smile.
And so, I'm not done yet, but I'll come back and edit this post, adding more ways, as I think of them.

1. Quoting my favorite songs, or really just saying amazing quotes in general.
2. Getting me the right type of flowers.
3. Touching. I feel alive when I feel someone else's skin on my own, not necessarily in a sexual way. Hugging too, those deep hugs where you can be completely silent and just sort of melt into each other.
4. Laying under the stars at night with friends, some mellow music playing quietly.
5. Feeling wanted, not needed. *scroll to the bottom to read my thoughts on this.
6. Driving at night with the windows down and music playing loudly, or during the day and having rap playing, while everyone in the car dances to it and looks like idiots.
7. Dancing.
8. Taking happy pictures. Ones that may look really lame, but that are also really fantastic, with happy memories attached.

*I believe that to be wanted is a much greater thing than to be needed. When you are wanted, you aren't needed, but the person still wants you around anyway. You make a difference, they wouldn't die without you, they can stand alone, but it's always better when you are around. If you are needed, you also aren't necessarily wanted, sometimes you just can't live without another person. Never become so dependent that you can't live alone, but always be so dependent that being alone isn't nearly as fulfilling as being with someone.

Help?

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 02:02:41 GMT

I'm really confused.
I keep having panic attacks.
I don't know what to do.
My life is unravelling before my eyes.
Nothing makes sense.
I'm so scared.
I'm so confused.
I'm not alive.
But time keeps moving.
And it won't let me catch up.

Read me.

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:07:57 GMT

You know what?
I don't know who the fuck got the idea that it would be nice to send Brian my livejournal entry from the 23rd,
but fuck you.
I don't want him to be a fucking part of my life.
I'm not going to forgive him.
I've forgiven far too many people in my life, and he's not going to be one of them.
I don't want him to ever be involved in my life again.
You can tell him that.
You can tell him that I don't believe he loves me like he says he does.
You know why?
Because if he had ever given a fuck, then he wouldn't have done that shit to me.
We were a fucking escape for him.
He got to hide for a while.

I'm fucking done, bitch.
I don't know who sent him anything on me.
But stop.
If you have any respect for me,
then stop.
Because now, whoever you are, I don't want you in my life either.

I don't think I'm ever going to figure it out.

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 22:11:39 GMT

i feel like shit.
i really need to get out.
i feel like my mom is blaming me for everything.
she just got in a fight with tim,
apparently over me.
because yesterday morning, as i was waking up he was being a complete asshole and i informed him of this because i'm sick of him being such a fucking dick.
and then my mom got all pissed at me then.
so apparently, he has her convinced that i'm just troubled and she has no control over me and that i just need to be taken care of,
like i'm a fucking drug addict or something.
i just,
i need to get out.
i want to call someone to come get me.
but then if she saw them coming,
she'd call the cops if they took me away,
because it'd be kidnapping me or something.
it's really stupid.
and she's enough of a bitch and under tim's spell so she would do it.
ugh.
only a year and couple months left.
i can do that.
really.
i hope.

it's getting harder and harder to tell you the truth.

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 20:38:56 GMT

it's a lot like love.
yea.
someone buy me that for my birthday.
i love that movie.
it gives me this empty feeling though.
i really feel like i'm living it sometimes though.

i'm really confused as of late.
i'm watching the world and avoiding the life i want so bad to be a part of.

i wonder what love feels like.
i remember reading this story in which one person asked what love felt like, the other replied,
"a slap in the face that you can't get away from."
it was something along those lines away.
sometimes, i think it might be like that.

a while back,
i was writing something.
i don't think i ever posted it.
i'm not really sure.
it was about lee.
i still can't get him out of my head.
and i've told him that.
i told him i'm never going to escape him.
i told him the way it feels to know another girl is allowed to kiss him and i can't.
and it hurts.
we've had these long discussions.
and i don't know what's going on.
i know you all worry about me with him.
i know you all just love me and don't want him to hurt me.
i don't want him to hurt me either.
i think i just have to get my fill of him.
then maybe, i can move on.
i've told him about this other guy too.
and we just talked and talked.
and i just don't know anymore.
both of us wonder if it's over.
and neither of us can tell the other.
and i still don't know if he's just playing with me,
or it's the truth.
and it kills me everyday.

it kills me that i have a few guys that are wonderful and would be so happy to be with me,
but i don't care about them like that.
and i know they'd never hurt me,
that they'd treat me the right way,
but when i think about who i want to be with,
they aren't there.

i don't know.

what's going to happen when i leave?
i'm so scared.
what if i still haven't figured it out?

my heart and my head just hurt right now.
and i don't feel like they are ever going to stop.

www.purevolume.com/natasharorrer

lemon-yellow sun.

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 20:54:45 GMT

goodness me.

how do i get myself into these things?
haha.

i should ground myself from kissing guys.
or even liking them.
really.
goodness.

Stupid.

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 02:49:34 GMT

I'm going to become a lesbian.
I'm sick of all this fucking drama.
Seriously.
Tomorrow's going to suckkkk.

it's time for celebration!

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 22:39:07 GMT

hahah.
okay.
so i feel like i haven't updated recently.
not much is going on though.
i'm just sort of taking things day by day.
school isn't too bad.
well, i hate it, but it could be much worse.
but for the first time in a long time, i feel smart.
i'm not having trouble with the work,
excluding the summer reading and summer project but that's just because i didn't get them until the weekend before school started.
i have to finish the summer reading though by tuesday.
which is horrible.
i had almost finished the book and i had everything highlighted that i was going to do a response to for the project,
and then on wednesday i guess i dropped my book in the parking lot when all my papers fell.
and i thought i had left it in english,
i found out friday i didn't.
so i got another copy of the book.
but now i have to go back through it and find all those quotes.
which will take forever.
and kill me.
ugh.
it really sucks.

the only class i'm actually having trouble with though is spanish.
i don't like the teacher.
he pisses me off.
quite a bit.
he's a horrible teacher.
you can't expect us to figure out what you are saying when we don't know any spanish at all.
of course,
it's actually 101 so several of the kids have taken spanish,
but i haven't and a couple other people haven't,
but he doesn't care.
he still won't actually teach us anything.
he just goes off in spanish.
and we can't ask him a question, even if we are telling him that we have no idea what he's saying,
because if we can't say it in spanish, then he'll start yelling at us in spanish in front of the class.
so yea, that just pisses me off.
i'm waiting for the day that i tell him how shitty of a teacher he is.

anyway.
yea.
i'm just sort of taking everything as it comes.
doing what i feel.
you know.

i'm ready for school to be over though.
i don't need any of these classes i'm taking.
so it really just pisses me off.
and i could leave at the end of the year,
except i would have to take a single spainsh course over the summer.
then i'd be done.
stupid people don't count latin or german as a foreign language credit and i have to have two to graduate.
how dumb is that?

anyway.
i'm off.
i should start my homework now.
i'm going to be up most the night as is.
i hope that essay isn't due until tuesday.
it only has to be 8 pages.
and double spaced.
so i can do that in about two hours, including the research.
so i want to do it tomorrow.
and yea.
then if i finish finding all the quotes tonight i can type those up,
then respond to all of them tomorrow, which will take about 2 hours as well.
then a two page summary.
easy.
and as i get home fairly early tomorrow,
i can finish it all by midnight.
yay.
that makes me happy.
*starts singing*
i get to sleep.
i get to sleep...

hahah.

dear god.

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 19:56:57 GMT

i'm losing my fucking mind.
i don't think i can take this.

first day sucked.
the other juniors in my major were totally silent.
so we'd just sit there staring at each other for an hour.
it was horrible.
i couldn't take it by lunch the next day.
so as people slowly came in the room,
i danced.
around the table.
like an idiot.
but by that point some people started talking.
i told them i couldn't take the silence anymore.
and by the end of the day when i came in, people were actually talking.
it was great.
though i think i just come off crazy,
it's okay.
i don't care anymore.

then the second day was much better.
and i didn't have spanish.
which i despise.
and i haven't taken any.
but i was put in 101.
and most of the class has had up to spanish 3.
so he keeps talking in spanish and expects me to understand and he won't translate.
it fucking sucks.
i want to kill myself.
when i'm in there at least.

then to top off the joy.
becca agreed to give me rides to broadway after school.
not far out of her way or anything.
well her mom apparently freaked about this.
and decided that after today she's not allowed to anymore.
so i have no way anywhere after school.
i'm stuck at the school.
so i have to hope that someone can give me a ride even though they don't really know me.
ugh.
and i don't have a way tomorrow.
and i really don't want to walk from aast to broadway.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

the last.

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 22:27:16 GMT

Not the last post, but the last one that will deal with Lee.
So I found out for sure that he was cheating on me.
It's funny.
I'm not sure how pissed I am.
I knew that things wouldn't work out.
And looking back on entries,
I realized how much I never trusted him.
I let him in though,
and that's not something I'm going to do again for a while.
I want to find someone else though.
Hopefully I'll meet someone at the Academy on Monday.
Maybe there will be a really cute guy in my major.
There was this cute guy named Cody,
I saw him yesterday while I was waiting to do my interview.
Maybe he'll turn out to be really cool and yea.
Though, he looks a little young.
But that could be because I was a little far away.
Who knows what this year will bring?
This summer brought so many unexpected things.
But I don't regret any of it.
Sure I've gone through some awkward things lately,
but it's okay,
I'm still alive and still happy.
And I tried to warn the girl that he's been seeing too,
she called me crazy and doesn't believe me.
she's also just coming off as a bitch,
so fuck her.

anyway.
i'm out.
i love you guys.
i don't know what i'd do without you.

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 02:45:17 GMT

(1) List 5 celebrities you would have sex with without even asking questions.
(2) Put all of them IN ORDER of your lust for them. (5 - 1, 1 is the hottest.)
(3) Say which movie/show/thing it was that hooked you.
(4) Supply photos for said people.
(5) Tag five people!

5. Jack Marin

He's a cutie. I'm pretty sure I actually met him when he was with Panic!, but I can't be positive. Anyway, after he came over when I yelled at him, that just makes him amazing.

4. Rupert Grint

i love red hair. i don't know what i'd do without harry potter.

3. Chad Sugg

I love Chad, and the fact that he knows who i am, just makes it so much better. He's a sweetie.

2. William Beckett

He's adorable, tiny, i could steal his pants. he's just an all around cutie.

1. Brendon Urie

okay,
he's sweet, adorable. i love him. and if you don't know where he's from, then what the hell is wrong with you?

i like that i've met several of them.

i want to know what it's like.

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 22:42:45 GMT

scene 1:

Dark movie theatre,
third row from the front.
marca, haley, bex, chloe, trent.
haley and chloe start screaming as the window in the screen comes slamming down on John Cusack's hand in room 1408.
chloe appears to be near tears when she bursts laughing along with trent and i at how funny all of this really is: haley is covering her eyes and has missed nearly the entire movie, marca seems to be watching intently, and trent and i just laugh at the whole situation.
the movie finally ends and we all shuffle out of the theatre into the parking lot,
laughing, having thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.
marca leaves and the rest of us decide to go eat.
haley decides that i'm riding with her instead of chloe and we set off.
we are blasting fantastic music,
and i stand up out of haley's sunroof and sing along.
we all start racing along, to be next to each other.
i tell chloe to meet us at wendy's because i have to be back at broadway by 10:30 and it's already past 10.
she pulls into the parking lot of omega pancake house and i hear her telling trent to watch, that'd i was going to come yell at her.
i screamed, "you bet your ass i'm coming to yell at you...."
i went into this long rant about how there wasn't time to sit down and eat.
we get to wendy's and plan on going in,
only to discover the diner part closes at 10.
so we walk through the drive thru,
but we couldn't set off the little beeper thing.
so we all run and get into chloe's car,
fighting over who gets the front seat.
trent gets it,
but then has to stop and go turn the lights off on his car,
so haley gets in and i jump on her lap.
of course,
we have all the windows down and trent just dives through chloe's window,
into her lap.

we all just continue to laugh and laugh,
and realize,
it's the moments like this that make everything worth it.

i think that was one of the best nights of my summer.
i don't know what i'd do without you guys.
and i don't know what i'm going to do without haley.
i'm still wearing the bracelet with her last name on it,
and i'm not really planning on taking it off.

i'm not a very good storyteller,
but that's my story and that's how i see it in my mind,
hope you can understand it.

I can't believe I didn't say this sooner.....

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 04:58:24 GMT

okay,
i'm not posting the directions again.
look at the last one.

1)What do you care about more when you go to shows, having front row? Or meeting the band members?
Meeting the band members, definitely. The best part of the crowd is rarely up front, I like to be in the middle, you can feel the music and the love everyone has for the bands better there.

2)Tour managing is something that you've always wanted to do, what made you choose that?
Well just after I finished 9th grade I was looking into possible careers. The three areas that were interesting to me were: medicine, music, and acting. From there I started to narrow things down, with medicine, I'm not that smart and I don't think I could handle that kind of stress. Then with acting, it's one of those things that I most likely wouldn't get to do and make enough money to live off of, plus I know I'm not very good at it. Finally music made the most sense, I started looking into different jobs in the music industry and I knew that I wanted to be able to tour at least for a little while, and that lead me to tour managing.

3)If Harry Potter's world were real, what house would you like to be sorted into?
Oh, I don't really know. I'd probably wind up in Hufflepuff or something, I don't know, everyone else says I'd be in Gryfindor(I can't spell it right now, I haven't slept for two days) or in Ravenclaw.

4)If you could be anybody else in the world, who would it be and why?
You know, I'm not really sure. I'd want people to know who I am but I wouldn't want to be in the spotlight or anything. I'd probably want to be the tour manager or regular merch girl for a fairly big band. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about not having enough money to live off of and I'd be able to travel, and be known. You know what, basically, like Jack Marin. hahah.

5)What's gonna be your favorite high school course when we start school?
I'm not sure, a lot depends on the teachers. I normally like science, so hopefully I'll have a good teacher and understand all the material.

not one of them involving...........

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 10:52:50 GMT

THE RULES:
1. Leave me a comment saying anything random, like your favorite lyric to your current favorite song. Or your favorite kind of sandwich. Something random. Whatever you like.
2. I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be asked, you will ask them five questions.

Okay.
Here are the questions Marca asked me.
I don't know how to change the color of the text, so just be smart.

1. Who do you feel has been the most important person in shaping who you are today?
-In who I am today? Hmm. That's hard. I'm not quite sure who has, it depends on which part of my life you look at, as I am quite a few people. At home and with stress and how I deal with it, my family made that one. With being outgoing and happy, that'd be you [marca] and chloe and haley and kenzie. Then with the shy me, that'd be vanessa and most of those people at myrtle beach.

2. If you could live anywhere and do anything as a career where would you live and what would you do?
-Well, going with Tour Manager as a career, I would start off with being a merch girl, then move up to tour manager, then eventually try to find work with a label or finding new talent. And I wouldn't really have a home, I'd bounce around places, but most likely the place i'd go back to would be in a city, a real, big one, either Chicago or New York City.
Going with something that doesn't involve touring, I'd probably settle down and have an family, in which case I'd want to be somewhere around Virginia probably. I'm not sure what my career would be then though.

3. Which musician would you most likely jump even if you'd never spoken to him before 0.o (only pick one *grins evilly*)?
-Like jump his bones? or jump him and steal all his money? hahaha.
I'll go with the first, haha. You're a mean, mean little girl.
haha. Ummm. Oi, that's hard. Probably Brendon Boyd Urie. He's such a cutie, and as I have met him, I also know that he's pretty sweet and funny.

Now I'm going to give you a list, of just a few.
haha.

Brendon Urie.
Ryan Ross.
Chad Sugg.
Chris Faller.
William Beckett.
Jack Marin.
Dave Melillo.

You know what, I'm just going to stop there, Otherwise i'll seem like the biggest whore in the world.
haha.

4. What is something that bothers you?
-Oi. A lot of things. When I feel how I've been feeling lately,
like I'm just watching life and I'm not actually a part of it. Like everything I do is wrong and that when I finally take action, it's the time that I should have waited. Like I'm being used, and I'm not truly wanted. That bothers me. As does when people don't answer me quickly or just don't respond and when they won't just make up their mind on doing something.

5. Would you ever pierce something? What?
-I would, probably my lip. I don't know if I'd get anything else pierced, probably not.

no one is truly alone unless they choose to be.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 17:57:38 GMT

I'm in Chicago.
Sarah is moving up here.
I'm coming back on the 7th,
and she's just going to stay behind.
It's strange.
Going home is going to be strange.
I was with my dad this morning going to be bank,
we parked on the side of the road and I pointed out how strange it was to be able to do that.
He commented on how out of all of us, I was the one he always expected to move up to Chicago,
not for him or to get away, but for the city, because I'm one of those people that needs things to be happening to continue to move.
I told him that I do love the city and get cravings for it sometimes, that once after school when i was walking to broadway with someone I said, "I miss the city." and they said, "what are you talking about; we are in the city." I just laughed and told them Myrtle Beach wasn't a city.
I don't know.
I'm not sure if I could actually live up here.
It would be easier if I had moved up here when I was little,
to know the city makes you part of it.
I don't know,
it was just weird.
I didn't want it to get into a deep conversation so I just said I couldn't do that, I have a date on Tuesday when I get back.
He told me that being small, pretty, and with long hair, it wouldn't be hard to get a date by Tuesday up here.
But I don't know.
I told him about how it's not actually easy for me to make friends.
But he didn't believe me.

I just feel weird sometimes.
Like, I don't really have a home.
Like, I can be home anywhere, I'm not even at "home" most of the time.
I always sleep wherever.

Okay,
I'm going to go.
I have to go to a movie with my dad.
He hasn't seen Harry Potter yet.

Goodbye Kiddies.

Oh, by the way, any errors in this, like missing letters, sorry, this keyboard doesn't work well, I have to smash down the keys.

echos of the lost

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 14:06:29 GMT

i feel sick.
i'm going to collapse.
i'm going to break.
i don't think i can make it.
i'm drowning in this air.
it's too heavy.
i want to escape.
i must escape.
i need to get away from it all.
this isn't what it was supposed to be.

if i could sleep forever.

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 19:23:28 GMT

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be...it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for."
--Erica Jong

okay,
now, i'm not in love or anything.
but i am every much so in like.
i've always hated when people say they are in like,
but ugh,
whatever, i am.

so, my brother asked me to move to columbia with him.
i'm not sure what i'm going to do yet.
the truth is,
a lot depends on what lee decides.
he hasn't decided what we are yet, and i told him it was up to him.
jaime said he could come stay and visit and everything, but it wouldn't be nearly the same, and we would never see each other.
and i can't do that to myself or him.
i would still be back for concerts all the time, so it's not like i wouldn't see all of you guys.
but i wouldn't be able to do anything with him when i'm at shows.
so.
ugh.
i don't know.
when i told him about it and how jaime wanted me to move there,
he said, "i wish you could just move in with me." and that he didn't want me to leave him.
sadly, i can't move in with him until after i graduate.
and that's another year and a half.
so.
and that's if we are still together and everything.
i mean, we aren't even actually dating.
so.
it's all very confusing.
i'm just not quite sure yet.
i want to date him,
i just don't know if he's ready and it kills me.

i'm drowning slowly.

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 23:58:15 GMT

you know that look.
the one when someone is thinking about their life.
how they could have possibly gotten where they are now.

corene had that look on her face.

so this is my theory:

everyone will love.
and have their heart broken, even if they refuse to admit it.
and everyone will break at least one person's heart, even if they never know it.