I'm going to stop writing in here.
Simply because it seems as though everyone has abandoned it,
but then i have the problem of brian reading it and my mom has been wanting to know what's going on in my head and says she's going to come read this because she found out i have one and i refuse to see a doctor about being depressed and all this shit.
i don't know.
it's really stupid.
anyway.
i thought i'd let you know.


bye.

i'm afraid.
i need to get out,
i need to stay in.
i need to live.
i need to make people understand that i need to do things the way i need to do them.
i need to just be over all of this.
goddamn.

Current Location: Body & Bath Cafe
Current Music: Imogen Heap.

I hate this time of the year.
While most people can't wait for it,
I loathe it.
I hope it ends soon.
I can't stand all this.

Current Location: Hell.
Current Mood: bitchy

nothing seems to fit.
i'm so scared.
i don't know what is going to happen.
5 years from now, where am i going to be?
will any of this have mattered?
will i talk to any of you?
will i be happy?
will i be over all of this?
i'm just so scared.
i want time to stop so i can get everything together,
i need to figure it out.
but it won't stop.
it slows down just enough that i don't do what i need to until it's too late.
this makes no sense and i can't breathe.
i'm just going to go back to reading.
try to put things together.
just live how they tell me to until i'm out on my own.
i'm determined not to stay home.
i want to be alive.



"It wasn't only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and misunderstanding; above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that other people are as real as you."




do you have these thoughts?
why can you keep them inside while i must say something, feeling all alone?

Current Location: Home.
Current Mood: scared
Current Music: Joshua Radin.

so i haven't posted in a while.
that last thing was from megan.
haha.

life is just strange lately.
i'm trying to just live.
stay out of relationships for a while.
i'm not ready to care again.
so i'm just working on that.
i've been making so many changes lately.
i no longer want to be a tour manager.
it scares the shit out of me.
but i just no longer lust for that constant moving around.
that other girl in me has been coming out lately.
i want to settle down,
get married one day,
have kids,
all that jazz.
i'm not sure how this change came about,
but i'm just going to go with it.
take each day as it comes.
and one day i'll be out.






"i wish i was special."






goodnight.

Current Location: Home.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Creep, Cover--Damien Rice.

becksh

=

boobah of the world

so.
i feel like i haven't written in forever.
so quick update of last week and this one.

on the 17th, i ended things with lee.
like really ended them,
i went to his house and told him i couldn't do it anymore.
i haven't talked to him since the 22nd.
at all,
it's good.
still hurts, but it's healing quickly.

i've started talking to this guy named chad.
he seems pretty cool.
i'm not sure where it's going though.
like what he wants out of it.
but right now we are friends,
we talk daily,
and it's nice.

i'm also not going to do anything sexual for a least a month.
starting from the night i broke up with lee.
so i have 21 more days.
chloe, i can make it.
shut up.
maybe.
gah.

i'm doing really bad in school.
and it's not even because i'm lazy.
not most of it anyway.
it's from missing so much.
it got me way behind.
but next quarter should be fine.
i'm not going to miss anymore school, no matter what.
so it's all good, i should have at least all As and Bs next time.

next week is the birthday party chloe and demi have been planning for me.
i'm excited.
and nervous.
haha.
i don't know why i'm nervous.
but it's going to be so much fun!
and joe and jeremy are coming up.
it'll be great.

but yea.
that's really all that's going on.
my life isn't very eventful.
haha.

Current Location: Body & Bath Cafe.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: White Wedding.

Life is just going very confusingly lately.
I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually though,
I don't have a choice.

So I promised Joe I would make a list of 32 Ways to Make Me Smile, after the BG song, 32 Ways to Make You Smile.
And so, I'm not done yet, but I'll come back and edit this post, adding more ways, as I think of them.

1. Quoting my favorite songs, or really just saying amazing quotes in general.
2. Getting me the right type of flowers.
3. Touching. I feel alive when I feel someone else's skin on my own, not necessarily in a sexual way. Hugging too, those deep hugs where you can be completely silent and just sort of melt into each other.
4. Laying under the stars at night with friends, some mellow music playing quietly.
5. Feeling wanted, not needed. *scroll to the bottom to read my thoughts on this.
6. Driving at night with the windows down and music playing loudly, or during the day and having rap playing, while everyone in the car dances to it and looks like idiots.
7. Dancing.
8. Taking happy pictures. Ones that may look really lame, but that are also really fantastic, with happy memories attached.





*I believe that to be wanted is a much greater thing than to be needed. When you are wanted, you aren't needed, but the person still wants you around anyway. You make a difference, they wouldn't die without you, they can stand alone, but it's always better when you are around. If you are needed, you also aren't necessarily wanted, sometimes you just can't live without another person. Never become so dependent that you can't live alone, but always be so dependent that being alone isn't nearly as fulfilling as being with someone.

Current Location: This place.
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Mad About You.

I'm really confused.
I keep having panic attacks.
I don't know what to do.
My life is unravelling before my eyes.
Nothing makes sense.
I'm so scared.
I'm so confused.
I'm not alive.
But time keeps moving.
And it won't let me catch up.

Current Mood: rushed

You know what?
I don't know who the fuck got the idea that it would be nice to send Brian my livejournal entry from the 23rd,
but fuck you.
I don't want him to be a fucking part of my life.
I'm not going to forgive him.
I've forgiven far too many people in my life, and he's not going to be one of them.
I don't want him to ever be involved in my life again.
You can tell him that.
You can tell him that I don't believe he loves me like he says he does.
You know why?
Because if he had ever given a fuck, then he wouldn't have done that shit to me.
We were a fucking escape for him.
He got to hide for a while.

I'm fucking done, bitch.
I don't know who sent him anything on me.
But stop.
If you have any respect for me,
then stop.
Because now, whoever you are, I don't want you in my life either.

Current Mood: pissed off